Diary: Page Fifteen
May. 8th, 2006 06:20 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
shosenThe other day I stood on the edge of the crater that overlooks the Dark Portal for the second time in my life. This time, I was not afraid, wary, but not afraid. I sat there, with Slootom at my side, holding the Fel Essence I'd retrieved from the fallen Sentry. The last time I was here, my curses couldn't even touch one such as that; this time, we'd defeated more than a few of them.
I suppose I do know enough to be dangerous after all. I'm not certain I can adapt to that knowledge.
Although whatever confidence I gained there was rather thoroughly crushed when I faced Kroshius, and woke battered and bruised some ways away from his resting place. Still not strong enough. Only, now I don't always have to be; I can ask for help.
Tabaqui came to help me subdue Kroshius, and her poor bat took the brunt of it that time. We succeeded, left the rubble of the infernal strewn across the cliff and his core in my hands. One less demon in the world in exchange for the ability to call down a different one at a whim. I'm not certain what I think of that.
I'm not certain of a lot of things.
I expected to be a nomad after leaving the Undercity. Instead, my hearthstone is still aligned to Thunder Bluff, even though I have nothing to keep me in that area. I don't really know why, except that it's peaceful. It feels…
Tundrarunner said that I have faith of a sort. That many times hope and faith are the same thing. I am frightened by how… comforting that it. I can't afford to break again, I just can't. The last time, it…
Death and dreams.
Once you're free in your own head, they can't touch you. Tabaqui said something like that when we were talking about the Apothecaries. Can I apply it to… everything else? There's nothing I can really do about the Society now. I quit, and if my good luck holds then they'll really have let me go. If not, well I'll avoid them as much as I can and deal with whatever comes.
The rest of it, though. Sakti think it's just different. If I can just accept it, maybe I can be free after all, even if it is only in my head.
I'm just not certain.
I suppose I do know enough to be dangerous after all. I'm not certain I can adapt to that knowledge.
Although whatever confidence I gained there was rather thoroughly crushed when I faced Kroshius, and woke battered and bruised some ways away from his resting place. Still not strong enough. Only, now I don't always have to be; I can ask for help.
Tabaqui came to help me subdue Kroshius, and her poor bat took the brunt of it that time. We succeeded, left the rubble of the infernal strewn across the cliff and his core in my hands. One less demon in the world in exchange for the ability to call down a different one at a whim. I'm not certain what I think of that.
I'm not certain of a lot of things.
I expected to be a nomad after leaving the Undercity. Instead, my hearthstone is still aligned to Thunder Bluff, even though I have nothing to keep me in that area. I don't really know why, except that it's peaceful. It feels…
Tundrarunner said that I have faith of a sort. That many times hope and faith are the same thing. I am frightened by how… comforting that it. I can't afford to break again, I just can't. The last time, it…
Death and dreams.
Once you're free in your own head, they can't touch you. Tabaqui said something like that when we were talking about the Apothecaries. Can I apply it to… everything else? There's nothing I can really do about the Society now. I quit, and if my good luck holds then they'll really have let me go. If not, well I'll avoid them as much as I can and deal with whatever comes.
The rest of it, though. Sakti think it's just different. If I can just accept it, maybe I can be free after all, even if it is only in my head.
I'm just not certain.