The Song in Your Heart

[shosen]

I left the Nether Theory class rather abruptly.  I’d considered staying, wanted to ask Tabaqui is she was doing better than she had been when she’d left last night, but it seemed foolish.  “I know I barely know you and work for people you hate, but I wanted to make sure your feelings weren’t hurt too bad by the insensitive jerk last night.”  My socials skills may not need as much work as Doctor Vines’, but I couldn’t find a way to phrase it, and everyone was involved in other conversations anyway, so I just left.

We were in Ashenvale, but we’d stayed so long in that area that even my skill crawled with the feeling of it.  It was ridiculous, as silly as trying to clean in a pool between Satyr colonies, but I did it anyway.  Sat in the water with my eyes closed and tried to pretend that Fel Taint didn’t permeate my entire hated body.

When I climbed out, I felt somewhat better, enough that I didn’t call Pagtuk back to my side, nor did I armour my skin with demonic energies.  Instead, I simply took myself back home.  That place didn’t feel comfortable, however, more so than usual, and I wandered aimlessly before finally catching a Zeppelin to Orgimmar.  I stopped when I reached the Wind Ride Tower, because I’d felt it.  The ghost-touch of Avenhar’s presence.  I waited, hoping I was right, smiling when I saw her emerge from the drag.

She was ready, finally, though she wouldn’t tell me anything yet, only that we had to make our way to the Moonglade.  It was the first time I’d been there since the Lunar Festival, and foolish though the attempted cleansing had been, I was glad I’d done it.  Demons in this place felt wrong, much like in Thunder Bluff, and whatever Avenhar had planned, I wanted them as far from it as I could get them.

For the second time, we sat by water and trees and discussed Sakti’s fate.  Avenhar spoke slowly, things I didn’t really understand, about spirits and ancestors, and what my trapping her soul had changed.  Then she said that she needed something from me, and I agreed without hesitation.

“Koani, I have to kill you.”

“What!?”

But it made sense.  Send my spirit to talk to hers, and it couldn’t happen while I was still shackled to this form.  I was trusting Avenhar to bring Sakti back from being dropped in lava, I could trust her to bring me back from whatever “as painless as possible” method she chose. Totems, crackling lightening and fire, and I burned.  Only fitting I suppose.  Again, and again, and then finally, I fell.

The last time I’d died, I fell asleep with a fever.  I wasn’t even aware that it was happening.  This time, it was like I was set free.  The wrongness slipped away and all I could feel was myself, light and right.  I became aware of the lake around me, of sitting on the surface and an overwhelming sense of peace.  It occurred to me that I should just stay there, and then something caught my attention, and I stood to see Sakti sitting in the distance.

I couldn’t stay here.  Remembering my purpose, I went to step towards her, only to find myself right at her side, in front of a large but slow waterfall, and I almost laughed, because we always seemed to find them.  It never occurred to me that she might not recognise me here, which was apparently a correct assumption.  When I said her name, she just looked up at me and smiled, made a joke when I asked her how she was.

And I broke.  I apologised, for letting her fall, for not paying attention, for failing.  She just told me that it wasn’t my fault, that she was glad it was me with her at the end.  Which only made it worse.

“You may not, in a few moments.”

“Why not?”

I had to admit to what I’d done.  To reaching out, catching her soul with barely a thought.  For being unable to just let her go.

“You... trapped me?”

When I nodded, she just thought it over, and said she was glad I had something of her to carry with me.  I trapped her soul, prevented it’s release, and she was just glad for me.  I don’t deserve such friendship.

I told her then, everything I could think of, taking her body out of the lava and placing it safe at the Den, of asking Avenhar’s help, and coming her because of it.  She’d thought I was able to be here because I was undead, and I was foolish enough to call attention to my form in our world.  She knew it was different from the one I had here.

“How is that?”

“I really wish I knew.”

I tried to tell her that this was me and the other was wrong, but she could only see it as different.  I don’t have the ability to explain that it’s more than that, but it didn’t matter then.  I could only admire again her view of the world, and the fact that she didn’t think there was anything special in it.

She asked me how I had gotten there, and I side-stepped the question.  She didn’t need to know that our Shaman friend had killed me to make it possible.  Instead, I told her the purpose behind it, that Avenhar thought she could bring Sakti back.

“Like... like an Undead?”

“No!  I wouldn’t do that to you.”

I did my best to explain, but Avenhar hadn’t exactly been forthcoming with the specifics.  I only knew that we thought we could heal her damaged body, whole and healthy, and restore her trapped soul to it.  That explained, I asked the important question, the one that had brought me there.  Did she want to come back?  Because we wouldn’t do it unless she chose to return.  And then I waited, biting my lip and wishing I had breath to hold.

She thought it over, mentioning something about not wanting to push her good fortune.  Then she said that this wasn’t her kind of place, and made it sound as boring as she had found the Crossroads while she had been working there.

“So... you... want to come back?”

“Sure thing!”

And I couldn’t withstand it.  Waiting for weeks without knowing, tense and nervous with uncertainty that all of a sudden wasn’t there anymore.  I dropped to my knees, trying and failing to stop the tears that flowed out along with the relief.  She didn’t understand what was wrong, kneeling at my side as I tried to explain.

I had been so afraid that she was going to want to stay here, and she just made a joke about the excitement of going back, cheerful and bright spirit unchanged, and I couldn’t help but laugh.  I struggled to get a hold of myself, understanding the absurdity of my dead friend trying to comfort me and apologising for making me worry.

When we stood again, she told me to stop worrying about her, and to be sure that I was ready for when she came back.  There was so much still to see and do.  My friend, standing there as a spirit, but still so full of life.  Before I really thought about it, I was giving her a hug and telling her to take care of herself here.

And then I couldn’t say anything more, because there was a sharp tug, pulling me down beneath the surface of the water.  I could feel it everything closing in around me, and the force pulling me along to wherever, but I didn’t know what it was.

I dropped to the ground with a shudder the moment I became aware of my ill-fitting body again.  The wrongness screamed through every limb, every part of me, and it was like waking in Deathknell again, only so much worse because this time I knew, I knew.

I felt Avenhar sit down beside me, heard her tell me the disorientation would pass soon, and I just nodded.  Whatever she was aware of, whatever the spirits told her, I didn’t think she knew this, and I wasn’t about to tell her that disorientation was only half of it.

It took a few moments, but I managed to gain control of myself, force the screaming into the background whisper that I thought I’d gotten used to.  It’s not just different, Sakti.  I wish it was that simple.  When I could talk again, I gave her Satki’s answer, and heard the relief in her laugh.  I wasn’t the only one who’d been worried.

“You’re a good fried Koani, you know that?”

“I hope so.”

She just bumped my shoulder playfully and I smiled, but I’m really not sure that I am.  All of this, everything I’ve done, is because I want my friend back, and doesn’t that just make it selfish?

We stayed in the Moonglade for a while longer before she said she had to leave to finish some jobs near Tarren Mill.  I offered to go with her, and we agreed to meet there after quick stops at our respective homes.  I took care of a few things as I worked to resign myself to waiting.  As Avenhar said, healing really would go better if I left it to her.

As I was on my way out, I caught sight of some figures talking on one of the ramps.  Zue’laji, Valtenress, and Roewyn, nearly half of the group from the Expedition the night before.  They looked like they were discussing something, and I almost turned away, not wishing to intrude.  But for one moment, it didn’t matter if it was foolish that I had nothing of importance to say and very little time to say it in, or even if Zue’laji shared Tabaqui’s opinions of the Apothecaries.  I just wanted to say hello, and I did.

They returned the greetings, and Zue’laji asked me how I was.  I thought about how despondent I’d felt earlier, of having Avenhar kill me in the Moonglade, of talking to Sakti and then being forced back into this body.  I thought about how long it would be until she was healed, and then I thought about the fact that she would be healed and back eventually.  I smiled.

“I’m having a very good day.”