Diary: Page Ten
Apr. 18th, 2006 06:11 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
shosenI'm drifting.
It's not something I want to do, but I can't seem to stop. I read the few meagre pages of this diary, think back on everything that happened in Deathknell, and I always come back to it. Repetitious, destructive, cycle, but I can't seem to get out of it. I say I'll change, I constantly say I'll change, but it doesn't seem to matter. I'm stronger, at least, one goal I'm actually making progress on.
The trainers say I know enough now to be dangerous, and I want to laugh. The only one I've ever been a danger to is myself.
I was in Sen'jin Village, recently. I have orders to kill some spider to get its venom so Lydon can kill who knows what with it. Sadistic bastard. I stopped at the Den before going home, at Sakti's… resting place? It's not really a grave, not anymore. I pretended I was there to see Thokdok, and in a way I was. I had new grimoires weighing down my bag that I was glad to be rid of, but I was really there to visit Sakti, which was ridiculous.
She isn't there, even if her body is. She's somewhere she finds boring, that looked to me like a lake with a waterfall. Her crystal soul is kept safe with me at all times, but… It's the only place that I really feel comfortable talking to her, not that she can hear me regardless of where I am. I wished I could have seen her body, have some sign that it was healing, that the blackened skin was being restored, but she's hidden away while that happens. For safety, I suppose, but I wanted to see, so I could believe. Because I have no faith. Still, even without it I prayed for the first time since I saw the Light fail. That the healing was working, that she was safe where she was, that this would work, that we were doing the right thing. I don't know if that made any difference, not even to myself.
The U of K held a Priests Convention, and I went. I was lucky that they allowed those of other vocations to be there. I attended without a demon at my side, and just listened, about the troll Loas, about Doctor Vines' perception of the Light. He didn't remember me when I said hello. Zue'laji said there's something wrong with the Doctor's memory, though the Doctor insists he's fine, of course. I want to write Valtenress, see if she thinks he's fine or not, but I really haven't the right. What am I to them? Barely an acquaintance, nothing.
I ran into Tabaqui outside the Undercity a few days ago; she was apparently waiting there for Zue'laji. Both of them there on fierce riding raptors, going somewhere. She asked me if I'd thought about what Borel and Jessa had said to me, and I was surprised with how much I wanted to answer that question. Say it out loud, send it out in the world and make it real. But we were right outside the entrance to the Undercity, and my life is not my own there, I was called away before I could even start to answer. Some menial, annoying task, but it kept me away long enough that they were already gone by the time I was done. I wasn't surprised, they were going somewhere.
And I'm just drifting.
It's not something I want to do, but I can't seem to stop. I read the few meagre pages of this diary, think back on everything that happened in Deathknell, and I always come back to it. Repetitious, destructive, cycle, but I can't seem to get out of it. I say I'll change, I constantly say I'll change, but it doesn't seem to matter. I'm stronger, at least, one goal I'm actually making progress on.
The trainers say I know enough now to be dangerous, and I want to laugh. The only one I've ever been a danger to is myself.
I was in Sen'jin Village, recently. I have orders to kill some spider to get its venom so Lydon can kill who knows what with it. Sadistic bastard. I stopped at the Den before going home, at Sakti's… resting place? It's not really a grave, not anymore. I pretended I was there to see Thokdok, and in a way I was. I had new grimoires weighing down my bag that I was glad to be rid of, but I was really there to visit Sakti, which was ridiculous.
She isn't there, even if her body is. She's somewhere she finds boring, that looked to me like a lake with a waterfall. Her crystal soul is kept safe with me at all times, but… It's the only place that I really feel comfortable talking to her, not that she can hear me regardless of where I am. I wished I could have seen her body, have some sign that it was healing, that the blackened skin was being restored, but she's hidden away while that happens. For safety, I suppose, but I wanted to see, so I could believe. Because I have no faith. Still, even without it I prayed for the first time since I saw the Light fail. That the healing was working, that she was safe where she was, that this would work, that we were doing the right thing. I don't know if that made any difference, not even to myself.
The U of K held a Priests Convention, and I went. I was lucky that they allowed those of other vocations to be there. I attended without a demon at my side, and just listened, about the troll Loas, about Doctor Vines' perception of the Light. He didn't remember me when I said hello. Zue'laji said there's something wrong with the Doctor's memory, though the Doctor insists he's fine, of course. I want to write Valtenress, see if she thinks he's fine or not, but I really haven't the right. What am I to them? Barely an acquaintance, nothing.
I ran into Tabaqui outside the Undercity a few days ago; she was apparently waiting there for Zue'laji. Both of them there on fierce riding raptors, going somewhere. She asked me if I'd thought about what Borel and Jessa had said to me, and I was surprised with how much I wanted to answer that question. Say it out loud, send it out in the world and make it real. But we were right outside the entrance to the Undercity, and my life is not my own there, I was called away before I could even start to answer. Some menial, annoying task, but it kept me away long enough that they were already gone by the time I was done. I wasn't surprised, they were going somewhere.
And I'm just drifting.