Diary: Page Thirteen
Apr. 28th, 2006 03:48 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
shosenI think I'm scared.
I'm still selfish, too. I know there's a lot going on that I know only a little of. Things can’t have been settled in an evening, after all. I know that Tundrarunner was talking to someone earlier in the evening, and that he was clearly not happy when I went to talk to him, but it didn't stop me. I hope he didn't seem to mind; he didn't seem to. I just… don't read people well, don't pay enough attention.
That's part of what brought me here, isn't it?
I'd gone to the Laughing Zhevra, not really to see anyone, just to be there. I was able to talk to Borel for a short while, and a cheerful troll shaman we'd met in the field trip the night before. For the most part I just sat aside, watched, listened, thought. It occurred to me that Tundrarunner might have the answer I was looking for. When he went off by himself for a moment, I went to speak with him, not thinking that he might have preferred to be alone.
I needed to know if it was possible to talk to a spirit, without having to die as I'd had to with Sakti. Not that I mentioned that last part. I thought, perhaps, it would be something I could do myself. I guess I'm just used to that, in a way.
Instead, he offered to help. A ceremony where the shaman helps to call the spirit, though I'll still talk to her myself. Which is good, because…
I'm scared. If she doesn't want to answer, if she wants to yell at me, if she… I don't know. All I do now is apologise, but I just… I need to tell her I'm sorry. I'll accept whatever her reaction is.
Even though it changes nothing. I still killed her.
I'm scared, and though I expected to do this alone, I'm very grateful that I won't be.
I'm still selfish, too. I know there's a lot going on that I know only a little of. Things can’t have been settled in an evening, after all. I know that Tundrarunner was talking to someone earlier in the evening, and that he was clearly not happy when I went to talk to him, but it didn't stop me. I hope he didn't seem to mind; he didn't seem to. I just… don't read people well, don't pay enough attention.
That's part of what brought me here, isn't it?
I'd gone to the Laughing Zhevra, not really to see anyone, just to be there. I was able to talk to Borel for a short while, and a cheerful troll shaman we'd met in the field trip the night before. For the most part I just sat aside, watched, listened, thought. It occurred to me that Tundrarunner might have the answer I was looking for. When he went off by himself for a moment, I went to speak with him, not thinking that he might have preferred to be alone.
I needed to know if it was possible to talk to a spirit, without having to die as I'd had to with Sakti. Not that I mentioned that last part. I thought, perhaps, it would be something I could do myself. I guess I'm just used to that, in a way.
Instead, he offered to help. A ceremony where the shaman helps to call the spirit, though I'll still talk to her myself. Which is good, because…
I'm scared. If she doesn't want to answer, if she wants to yell at me, if she… I don't know. All I do now is apologise, but I just… I need to tell her I'm sorry. I'll accept whatever her reaction is.
Even though it changes nothing. I still killed her.
I'm scared, and though I expected to do this alone, I'm very grateful that I won't be.