The Pain That’s In Your Truth’s Deceiving

[shosen]

“W-well, d-do y-you w-want m-me t-to l-look? It's okay, it d-doesn't b-bother m-me, y-you know. I know a l-lot of F-forsaken are upset w-with h-how they l-look.”

When did I lose control of this conversation?

“N-no, I...”

I shouldn’t have said anything, shouldn’t have started. I don’t want to talk about this part, I just wanted to talk about the changes inside.

“B-but I'd j-just c-check f-for r-recent s-scars or w-whatnot.”

I’ve messed it all up. I couldn’t explain it properly, and now…

“No, please.”

I’ve just confused her now. And she’s right, she has more than enough to deal with. This was a mistake, right from the start.

“I'm sorry. I don't think I'm ready for this after all.”

“W-when y-you're r-ready, p-please p-promise m-me y-you'll f-find s-someone t-to s-say it t-to. Even if it's n-not m-me.”

I’m never going to be ready. I just wanted to try, to take my own advice, to stop hiding. But I just… I can’t, not yet. And really, all I wanted to know was if it was safe to talk to Aviyanna because she… Is right there.

“'Eye dere. Jes deh p'son I wan teh fin'.”

I can’t do this right now.

“Is this... I don't suppose it could wait?”

“Nah rilly.”

Damn. What is going on? I don’t want to be here, but I don’t think I can get out of it. What does she want?

“Well.. ah dun know if yeh did it on ye'own 'r sommun dun it ta yeh... Who's body's dat? And where's yers?”

“What!?”

How did she… Zue’laji here too? I really, really can’t do this!

“Did som'un do dat ta yeh 'r did yeh steal it?”

“I didn't steal it.”

Two of them, not three. And they’re your friends. This isn’t a nightmare. It just feels like one.

“Ain' trying to start a hunt or anyting, mon. Jus' trying to get to de bottom of tings, eh?”

“You're not the only one.”

I don’t have any answers. I’ve never had any answers. They’re standing in front of the door. Listen to them, they aren’t going to hurt you. Now matter how this looks to you.

“Dere som'tin else, ain' dere?”

“What do you mean?”

Please stop talking.

“Ah mean, dat body ain' yers in a big way. Yeh don' fit... at all. It ain' not'in like yers.”

Oh dear. I can’t… even stand.

“Were yeh an elf 'r a troll 'r som'at like dat?”

“You... can't see that?”

I have no idea what’s going on.

“I nevvah looked through yeh eyes.”

“I don't want anyone else in my head!”

I can’t do that, not again! Last time, everything went wrong. Damn it, what’s going on here? They aren’t… no! They’re your friends. Keep saying that until you remember it.

“Loa Samedi, he say, 'sure, Ah kin put dat spiri' in dat bodeh, but it don' b'long dere. Truth is, ih don' wanna be dere. But ain' nowhere else fer it teh go, so sure, Ah kin.”

When she… oh gods, who else could tell!?

“What's diff'rent 'bout it? Jus'... a wasted you, or someting?”

I can’t do it, don’t you see? Saying out loud… makes it real.

“Sih down, we ain' gon bite. Yeh make meh nervous wit all dat edgin'.”

If I fell, would I land in that bonfire? Stop it! They’re still talking, try to listen. Different theories, I can't do this, I can't... It’s real, whether I say it or not, it’s real. I can’t breathe.

“Easy, mon. Breat'.”

I give up.

“Please don't call me that.”

“What?”

“Man.”

That’s the closest I can get. Please understand.

“Gotcha. Ah, sistah?”

It’s real. Just breathe, and listen.

“Fus wha ir m deh'yo skam fus'obeah So han caang m caang chakari fu m nehjo yudo sca di wha caang noh t'ief oondasta wha wassa”

“Fus iyaz han noh duti dim fus atuad nehjo J di J ziondeh”

“Please... don't. Not right now.”

You’re bringing the nightmares back. It’s not them! Just breathe, and get through this. The worst is over, isn’t it?

“Well, yeh know... if Ah kin 'elp... e'n if ih's jest... yeh know, girl talk 'r wha'not...”

“I... don't think I could handle anymore tonight. But perhaps another time.”

Too much, too quickly; I’m drained.

“Why? Why don' yeh jest... well, act like yeh wan?”

“Dere's stranger tings in de world. Ain' like you had a choice, ain' not'ing to be ashamed of.”

I really just want to go home. More talk, more speculation, and it’s terrifying. Thinking out loud, but it’s so much worse because I’ve never been able to take my thoughts there on my own. It’s just talk, don’t panic. But an interruption would be nice.

“Hello there.”

Siwili, I have never been happier to see someone in my entire life. Just please, start talking and don’t let them turn it back to me. I can’t hide anymore, not really, but I need this to stop now.