Diary: Page Twenty-five
Jul. 16th, 2006 08:39 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
shosenI’ve been staring at this page for days. Every time I start to write, my thoughts start to jumble and nothing comes out. In the end, I guess I’m just overwhelmed.
Uzil’s better, but Tabaqui’s still sick. Doctor Vines doesn’t know quite where to start. Both he and Zue’laji are able to help with the symptoms, but there’s nothing yet to give hope for a cure. I think I can understand a little of Gaark’s frustration; he’s tried his best to help, and it didn’t work. I don’t even know where to start. All we can do it be there for her, and in the end, it doesn’t matter, doesn’t count.
I feel selfish, too, talking to her, telling her. I’m grateful to Zue’laji for giving me the opening, and I’m glad that she knows, but… why does it matter right now? It’s not like it’s going to change, or that it’s a threat. It’ll keep.
All of this, Tabaqui, Tundrarunner, Shivae, Brawne, whatever happened with Hakkajin the other night, all of this going on and I’m… dating Undel. And I can’t honestly say why I’m doing it.
She keeps calling it business meetings, or saying it’s for science (where she’s not desperately trying to follow whatever’s in that damn book), even though it’s not ever remotely scientific. For me, I guess, in the end it’s somewhat the same. I don’t need to know that I have a heart, it hurts every time it beats, but I need to know if irrational hatred can be changed, and she’s about as irrational as they come.
But I really doubt it’ll work. They, I just can’t get a read on them. Uzil, Undel, Hakkajin, they’re all impossible. You can be having a civil (or near to it) conversation one minute, have them be treating you like a friend, and then it’ll just turn on a copper and you’re getting accused of something horrible, or threatened. It’s like trying to walk on a landslide.
This date plan may very well cause me to be swept under. Oh well, at least I’ll buy myself some measure of peace on the one side. She’s keeping to her agreement to be nice to Gaark, at least so far, so maybe the rest of it will work out as well.
And I did get to have the unique and quite touching experience of having poor Kowits save me from Undel. I’m still not entirely certain why he thought it necessary, though. I got lost in Undel’s muddled story about a play. Actually, I hope she never realizes what was actually going on there; she probably be horribly offended.
Things are outside of my control again, though, and that frightens me. The last time… well, I made the foolish decision that got me here, didn’t I? And every time I look around, the people I would turn to are crumbling under their own burdens. How are we ever going to keep ourselves together like this? Maybe… maybe what I told Shivae applies to more. I don’t know.
I suppose we just keep going. Do what we can, offer what we can, survive what we can. And, I guess, I’ll just try to help my friends and keep up with this farce for the next two weeks. Because that’s what it is really, it isn’t science, and it isn’t dating.
And I wish I knew why it feels like I’m betraying someone.
Uzil’s better, but Tabaqui’s still sick. Doctor Vines doesn’t know quite where to start. Both he and Zue’laji are able to help with the symptoms, but there’s nothing yet to give hope for a cure. I think I can understand a little of Gaark’s frustration; he’s tried his best to help, and it didn’t work. I don’t even know where to start. All we can do it be there for her, and in the end, it doesn’t matter, doesn’t count.
I feel selfish, too, talking to her, telling her. I’m grateful to Zue’laji for giving me the opening, and I’m glad that she knows, but… why does it matter right now? It’s not like it’s going to change, or that it’s a threat. It’ll keep.
All of this, Tabaqui, Tundrarunner, Shivae, Brawne, whatever happened with Hakkajin the other night, all of this going on and I’m… dating Undel. And I can’t honestly say why I’m doing it.
She keeps calling it business meetings, or saying it’s for science (where she’s not desperately trying to follow whatever’s in that damn book), even though it’s not ever remotely scientific. For me, I guess, in the end it’s somewhat the same. I don’t need to know that I have a heart, it hurts every time it beats, but I need to know if irrational hatred can be changed, and she’s about as irrational as they come.
But I really doubt it’ll work. They, I just can’t get a read on them. Uzil, Undel, Hakkajin, they’re all impossible. You can be having a civil (or near to it) conversation one minute, have them be treating you like a friend, and then it’ll just turn on a copper and you’re getting accused of something horrible, or threatened. It’s like trying to walk on a landslide.
This date plan may very well cause me to be swept under. Oh well, at least I’ll buy myself some measure of peace on the one side. She’s keeping to her agreement to be nice to Gaark, at least so far, so maybe the rest of it will work out as well.
And I did get to have the unique and quite touching experience of having poor Kowits save me from Undel. I’m still not entirely certain why he thought it necessary, though. I got lost in Undel’s muddled story about a play. Actually, I hope she never realizes what was actually going on there; she probably be horribly offended.
Things are outside of my control again, though, and that frightens me. The last time… well, I made the foolish decision that got me here, didn’t I? And every time I look around, the people I would turn to are crumbling under their own burdens. How are we ever going to keep ourselves together like this? Maybe… maybe what I told Shivae applies to more. I don’t know.
I suppose we just keep going. Do what we can, offer what we can, survive what we can. And, I guess, I’ll just try to help my friends and keep up with this farce for the next two weeks. Because that’s what it is really, it isn’t science, and it isn’t dating.
And I wish I knew why it feels like I’m betraying someone.