Unbalance my State of Mind
Aug. 7th, 2006 12:13 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
shosenHe was there, when I woke up my first night back as what passes for myself. Pagtuk, sitting by my bed, smirking at me. My bed, in Thunder Bluff. The only demon I've ever summoned there was Darneth, to help protect Cairne on that dark day that Thrall fell. Yet, there he sat, that irritating, arrogant, annoying little brat. I dismissed him with a word, only to sit in stunned silence after he faded.
It hadn't been Orcish, nor even the more comfortable gutter-Common the Forsaken have adopted. I'd know, of course, that things had changed after my enforced stay in the Apothecarium. Not just in what I saw, but in what I understood. And it hadn't been the first time I'd spoken demonic words by accident. But the last time, I had been in Tabaqui's body, and had hoped…
But no, this problem is all mine, and hopefully Tabaqui has not inherited it. The imp that came to her, please let that connection be broken. I don't want anything else hurtful to come out of her wanting to help me, and my giving in. From my weakness.
When it happened, I wanted to believe I wasn't as weak-minded as the priests always seem to say. But since then…
In Stratholme, facing the Banshee Baroness, turning on my friends more than once, forced to attack and feeling them return the favour with no other option for any of us. Hearing Pagtuk's cackling laughter as he was free in those few moments where I was not.
In Zul'Gurub, opening the hoodoo pile, turning, being struck down by Uzil before, thankfully, I could hurt anyone. He apologised, but I should. I should be stronger than that, and I haven't been.
One thing at a time. Tundrarunner and Shivae said that last night. We're working through them, all of us, slowly and carefully. If we can just stop adding new problems, maybe we can get ahead of it all for a change. We can stop slowly falling apart and begin to stand again.
I think, though, that I have to start by taking a step back. It was foolish to ignore the fact that my balance was shifted when my control was compromised. Tabaqui gave me more than memories to hold onto. She gave me some distance, and for now, I have to give that to myself. Soielle's son was right, they aren't to be trusted, and I'm in no condition to guard against them at the moment.
I need to see the trainers again.
I need to talk to Shivae, about shadows and defense within your own mind.
I need to talk to Tundrarunner about meditation and reclaiming memories.
I need to hang onto who I am. I thought that was all I had left, but I have been losing it, behind this mask. I have been slowly fading away, and pretending that it isn't happening. I'm of no use to anyone like this, least of all to myself, and I can finally see it.
It hadn't been Orcish, nor even the more comfortable gutter-Common the Forsaken have adopted. I'd know, of course, that things had changed after my enforced stay in the Apothecarium. Not just in what I saw, but in what I understood. And it hadn't been the first time I'd spoken demonic words by accident. But the last time, I had been in Tabaqui's body, and had hoped…
But no, this problem is all mine, and hopefully Tabaqui has not inherited it. The imp that came to her, please let that connection be broken. I don't want anything else hurtful to come out of her wanting to help me, and my giving in. From my weakness.
When it happened, I wanted to believe I wasn't as weak-minded as the priests always seem to say. But since then…
In Stratholme, facing the Banshee Baroness, turning on my friends more than once, forced to attack and feeling them return the favour with no other option for any of us. Hearing Pagtuk's cackling laughter as he was free in those few moments where I was not.
In Zul'Gurub, opening the hoodoo pile, turning, being struck down by Uzil before, thankfully, I could hurt anyone. He apologised, but I should. I should be stronger than that, and I haven't been.
One thing at a time. Tundrarunner and Shivae said that last night. We're working through them, all of us, slowly and carefully. If we can just stop adding new problems, maybe we can get ahead of it all for a change. We can stop slowly falling apart and begin to stand again.
I think, though, that I have to start by taking a step back. It was foolish to ignore the fact that my balance was shifted when my control was compromised. Tabaqui gave me more than memories to hold onto. She gave me some distance, and for now, I have to give that to myself. Soielle's son was right, they aren't to be trusted, and I'm in no condition to guard against them at the moment.
I need to see the trainers again.
I need to talk to Shivae, about shadows and defense within your own mind.
I need to talk to Tundrarunner about meditation and reclaiming memories.
I need to hang onto who I am. I thought that was all I had left, but I have been losing it, behind this mask. I have been slowly fading away, and pretending that it isn't happening. I'm of no use to anyone like this, least of all to myself, and I can finally see it.