Diary: Page Thirty-six
Sep. 22nd, 2006 04:50 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
shosenI worry and I fear. It's what I do. Pointlessly, sometimes, but they... don't know what can be done with a shard. And I can't explain it to them. I'm not sure why; it's not like they trust me anyway.
It's all right; I understand. I just forget sometimes, that's all.
But I couldn't risk her losing herself like that again. Can't do another Moonwell ceremony. It'll kill me, I think, and no matter what I said last night, I can't let that happen, not yet. I promised Sakti.
Two precious souls in my care. Identical shards for such different people. Need to get them both back where they belong. Soon, I think.
Light, I'm so tired. It'll pass though. I'm just stiff and sore now. It wasn't a lie; I'm not hurt. Not since Shivae managed to heal the worst of it. More than I expected, actually. I blamed it on the water, ‘cause how do you explain being burned from the inside out while being soaked to the skin? Doesn't matter anyway.
Tabaqui's withdrawal-crazy for lack of Olm. Olm's evil-crazy for lack of a soul. Kowits is drive-us-all-crazy for lack of a clue what to do. Don't have an answer for any of it.
Is this how Borel felt with us all falling apart around him? Wanting to help so much, being asked for it, and trying so hard only to be stretched too-thin because there's no possible way for you to be enough!
I was trying to help. Trying to keep us safe. And now Tabaqui and Kharak are fighting, and Siwili's furious, and he's scary like that.
I should've just relented in the first place. Never make the right choice, do I? Either give in or stand up for myself at the wrong moments.
And when this is done and Olm's back, I have to find a way to explain to Tabaqui what I can't even explain to myself. Have to hope that she won't use it against me, even though I know she will. I'd just like her to know before she does just how deeply those words pierce my soul.
I'm so tired.
I want to go home. But I don't really have one anymore, do I?
It's all right; I understand. I just forget sometimes, that's all.
But I couldn't risk her losing herself like that again. Can't do another Moonwell ceremony. It'll kill me, I think, and no matter what I said last night, I can't let that happen, not yet. I promised Sakti.
Two precious souls in my care. Identical shards for such different people. Need to get them both back where they belong. Soon, I think.
Light, I'm so tired. It'll pass though. I'm just stiff and sore now. It wasn't a lie; I'm not hurt. Not since Shivae managed to heal the worst of it. More than I expected, actually. I blamed it on the water, ‘cause how do you explain being burned from the inside out while being soaked to the skin? Doesn't matter anyway.
Tabaqui's withdrawal-crazy for lack of Olm. Olm's evil-crazy for lack of a soul. Kowits is drive-us-all-crazy for lack of a clue what to do. Don't have an answer for any of it.
Is this how Borel felt with us all falling apart around him? Wanting to help so much, being asked for it, and trying so hard only to be stretched too-thin because there's no possible way for you to be enough!
I was trying to help. Trying to keep us safe. And now Tabaqui and Kharak are fighting, and Siwili's furious, and he's scary like that.
I should've just relented in the first place. Never make the right choice, do I? Either give in or stand up for myself at the wrong moments.
And when this is done and Olm's back, I have to find a way to explain to Tabaqui what I can't even explain to myself. Have to hope that she won't use it against me, even though I know she will. I'd just like her to know before she does just how deeply those words pierce my soul.
I'm so tired.
I want to go home. But I don't really have one anymore, do I?