Journal Page Fourteen: Of Sex and Souls
Apr. 9th, 2007 12:08 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
shosenTabaqui thought I was a virgin. It wasn't an accurate assessment, but I can see why she thought so. She also seemed to think that just having a living, female, body again would make me want sex automatically, which also wasn't accurate.
The truth is, I've never really cared about it one way or the other. It was enjoyable, certainly, but it's not exactly a requirement for intimacy, or well, for anything else. Before it was just, a language. A shared method of communicating what was thought and felt when there was no other way. Even when I got a handle on the odd mercenary's cant, I really didn't have to words to express how I felt, and that just worked better.
And really, whether I ever have it again, I honestly don't care. The problem is that other people seem to care about it, a lot. I mean, Tabaqui and Uzil used to talk about it all the time, and I'm fairly certain Uzil spends a lot of his time thinking about it. And now, Leiral's thinking about it.
From where I'm sitting, it just seems to complicate things, mess them up, and it's hard to say it's worth it when you don't understand the attraction in the first place. It just seems to be expected, the next step, moving on to a new level, a requirement for furthering or deepening a relationship and I just don't get it.
And it always seems to force a choice. Hold two people in your heart, or more, add sex and now you can only keep one. Well, except for Tabaqui, and I still think that relationship would be easier if Olm and Isharlon could-but I think there's more chance of the sun exploding than that.
Speaking of dire predications of destruction, Doctor Vines seems convinced that Draenor will collapse completely rather soon. I'm not entirely certain that he's right, but it's still got me worried. He confuses me sometimes, though. He'll start a conversation saying it's a good thing that they won't let me through the Portal just yet, and then end it by asking me to come to his Shattreth lab next time. Maybe it's just that it's harder to tell which Doctor Vines I'm dealing with, now.
At the start, he was the one I'm used to. The one I first met on that long ago trip to Darrowshire. By the end of the night he was, well, much like I remember him from the field trip where I first got to see his Hammerfall lab. Juliard didn't put in an appearance, which I suppose is a good sign, but I'm not entirely certain the young man is gone.
I think I can sympathise a little more now. There's still just me, and for the first time in ages my memory is free of holes (both of them), but there are moments when I can tell I'm acting more like one self or the other. When he was pushing me about being soft, well, I'm not certain Koani's friends would have expected the response, except maybe Tabaqui. Nethris would have known me, though, or Iphis, probably for the first time since I volunteered for that damn cleansing.
Koani's core and Tayledras' tongue, it's both of me. I told Doctor Vines that the elf was a catalyst, but maybe that's not entirely accurate. Except with my mother, I've never had a problem speaking my mind on that side. On the other though, I really had to be pushed into a corner. Maybe the elf just gave me an easier path to that. I don't know. Don't really care, actually.
I do care that there is only one of me now, though. I mean, I felt it, but I felt like I was alone in that other body until Doctor Vines found Lethandros. Hearing him confirm that I was alone, that there had been a merger, it was comforting. No longer frosting on the cake, but the eggs inside.
He still wants to study what happened to me, and I don't really mind. After all, while I know what happened I don't really know why. The study of souls is not exactly my area of expertise, despite having a rather intimate familiarity with their removal. I'll do my part, see what can be learned.
Action without thought.
The overly cautious part of my nature still doesn't like that concept, but I can accept it for now. At least, I can in these cases where the only risk is to myself.
Leiral, Thrall'tukk... how do things get so muddled without my noticing?
And despite the diagnosis of my soul, I still haven't figured out how to prove I am who I am.
The truth is, I've never really cared about it one way or the other. It was enjoyable, certainly, but it's not exactly a requirement for intimacy, or well, for anything else. Before it was just, a language. A shared method of communicating what was thought and felt when there was no other way. Even when I got a handle on the odd mercenary's cant, I really didn't have to words to express how I felt, and that just worked better.
And really, whether I ever have it again, I honestly don't care. The problem is that other people seem to care about it, a lot. I mean, Tabaqui and Uzil used to talk about it all the time, and I'm fairly certain Uzil spends a lot of his time thinking about it. And now, Leiral's thinking about it.
From where I'm sitting, it just seems to complicate things, mess them up, and it's hard to say it's worth it when you don't understand the attraction in the first place. It just seems to be expected, the next step, moving on to a new level, a requirement for furthering or deepening a relationship and I just don't get it.
And it always seems to force a choice. Hold two people in your heart, or more, add sex and now you can only keep one. Well, except for Tabaqui, and I still think that relationship would be easier if Olm and Isharlon could-but I think there's more chance of the sun exploding than that.
Speaking of dire predications of destruction, Doctor Vines seems convinced that Draenor will collapse completely rather soon. I'm not entirely certain that he's right, but it's still got me worried. He confuses me sometimes, though. He'll start a conversation saying it's a good thing that they won't let me through the Portal just yet, and then end it by asking me to come to his Shattreth lab next time. Maybe it's just that it's harder to tell which Doctor Vines I'm dealing with, now.
At the start, he was the one I'm used to. The one I first met on that long ago trip to Darrowshire. By the end of the night he was, well, much like I remember him from the field trip where I first got to see his Hammerfall lab. Juliard didn't put in an appearance, which I suppose is a good sign, but I'm not entirely certain the young man is gone.
I think I can sympathise a little more now. There's still just me, and for the first time in ages my memory is free of holes (both of them), but there are moments when I can tell I'm acting more like one self or the other. When he was pushing me about being soft, well, I'm not certain Koani's friends would have expected the response, except maybe Tabaqui. Nethris would have known me, though, or Iphis, probably for the first time since I volunteered for that damn cleansing.
Koani's core and Tayledras' tongue, it's both of me. I told Doctor Vines that the elf was a catalyst, but maybe that's not entirely accurate. Except with my mother, I've never had a problem speaking my mind on that side. On the other though, I really had to be pushed into a corner. Maybe the elf just gave me an easier path to that. I don't know. Don't really care, actually.
I do care that there is only one of me now, though. I mean, I felt it, but I felt like I was alone in that other body until Doctor Vines found Lethandros. Hearing him confirm that I was alone, that there had been a merger, it was comforting. No longer frosting on the cake, but the eggs inside.
He still wants to study what happened to me, and I don't really mind. After all, while I know what happened I don't really know why. The study of souls is not exactly my area of expertise, despite having a rather intimate familiarity with their removal. I'll do my part, see what can be learned.
Action without thought.
The overly cautious part of my nature still doesn't like that concept, but I can accept it for now. At least, I can in these cases where the only risk is to myself.
Leiral, Thrall'tukk... how do things get so muddled without my noticing?
And despite the diagnosis of my soul, I still haven't figured out how to prove I am who I am.