The Last Thing That's Holding Me

[shosen]

They said the world seemed to be filling with elves. I can hardly counter the claim, being one of them and all. Sometimes I wonder, though, if there’s really that many of us, or just far fewer of them.

It’s easy, in this life and on these worlds, to lose people. For weeks, months, years, maybe permanently. My family, our little makeshift groups, scattered to the winds of this world and the other when the Portal opened and it seems like some of them aren’t coming back. I tried to recover, catch up, be strong enough again, but it’s hard when their pace gains momentum in time, and I’ve always been better at a sprint than a marathon.

Everything changes. I should probably know that better than most. Knowing it doesn’t make those changes any easier to bear, though. I wonder sometimes, how things would have been different if the Portal hadn’t opened, if the elves had been refused entrance into the Horde, if I hadn’t made and accepted the offer of cleansing. But I know, too, that “what ifs” are pointless to entertain.

Things are as they are, and you accept it. If they’re good, you enjoy them; if they’re not you try and hope they get better, maybe even have faith that they will, but it’s no good wishing that what has been, wasn’t. Those thoughts consume you with regrets, with wondering. If I’d been able to go out more, hadn’t stayed home sewing bags and armour, would she be coming through the door of the hut now, or would it still be empty?

Questions without answer, pointless.

I’m on my own again, for the first time in over a year, and I feel it. This oddly changing and well loved family, it was my world even in the rough times, and now its gone. Maybe that’s why I resent the Peninsula so much; the landscape hits far too close to home.

It’s all right; it’s different now, some changes are good. I’ve never had fond memories to hold close before. I can, for the first time, say that I can remember being truly happy. I can say that I had a home, that I had a family that I love, that I loved and was loved, and I cannot regret any of that.

I still have family here, scattered though were are. I still have friends here, though obligations may keep us apart. I still have a future here, though I’ll tuck my heart away again.

I’ll survive this change. I always do.

Comments

[mintos.livejournal.com]

I still has ideas. Koani and Hakka are both lonely, right? *brow waggle*

[neondragon.livejournal.com]

Can you say "double date"?

[koani-asharan.livejournal.com]

Do I get forgiven for being an elf? ^_~