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shosenIt was not cowardice, retreating as I did. It was exercising control. Even so, my removal of myself was not entirely complete. There were moments, few and I assume far between, where something would reach, me. I ignored them. It was of no matter to me any longer; I was beyond such concerns.
Until that moment, of pure searing pain. As far away as I was, I still felt it, as though it had destroyed something at the very centre of my being. Perhaps I should have given in to the impulse I felt then, to rise up and out of my retreat. I did not, however. Instead, I clung to my place, and only considered it a possible mistake when the option to rise was taken from me.
I do not know what it was that placed these chains on me, but I am now a prisoner in my own retreat. Perhaps it is a new indignity inflicted by Him. Something has changed now, however, for there are echoes here at times, though I still cannot make my will known.
Or, I could not. I succeeded, I believe, in reaching, something, in my anger and frustration. But it has exhausted me. The chains are heavy, pulling me down, and even those echoes grow faint.
Until that moment, of pure searing pain. As far away as I was, I still felt it, as though it had destroyed something at the very centre of my being. Perhaps I should have given in to the impulse I felt then, to rise up and out of my retreat. I did not, however. Instead, I clung to my place, and only considered it a possible mistake when the option to rise was taken from me.
I do not know what it was that placed these chains on me, but I am now a prisoner in my own retreat. Perhaps it is a new indignity inflicted by Him. Something has changed now, however, for there are echoes here at times, though I still cannot make my will known.
Or, I could not. I succeeded, I believe, in reaching, something, in my anger and frustration. But it has exhausted me. The chains are heavy, pulling me down, and even those echoes grow faint.